A very Diana Christmas

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Asmodeus, Dec 12, 2012.

  1. Company Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 1, 2012

    RE: Gala Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
    December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
    House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
    band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
    surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
    be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that
    time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
    easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

    Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family,


    Company Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 2, 2012

    RE: Gala Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
    recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
    Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're
    calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
    employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
    Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols
    will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family,


    Company Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 3, 2012

    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
    requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
    accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
    Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?


    And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since
    the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
    believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


    Company Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    To: All Employees

    DATE: October 4, 2012

    RE: Generic Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
    Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
    daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
    luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
    beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
    the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in
    little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
    the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the

    Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
    Gay men, each group will have their own table.

    Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

    To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no
    cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in
    the restrooms. Sorry.

    We will have booster seats for short people.

    Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

    I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
    food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste
    a bite first.

    There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
    restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?!?!?


    Company Memo

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

    TO: All F***ing Employees

    DATE: October 5, 2012

    RE: The F****** Holiday Party

    I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at
    the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
    table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and
    you'll get your ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know,
    tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard
    them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

    The rest of you ****** wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a
    rotten holiday!

    Drive drunk and die,

    The Bitch from Hell!!!

    Company Memo

    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

    DATE: October 6, 2012

    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
    I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

    In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
    everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!

  2. That sounds about right.
  3. Does that make me Joan?
  4. I rofled.

  5. Well I would hope it's not Vay!
  6. Oh god... I started crying from laughing too hard.
  7. .....

    Wow I just had a crazy case of Deja vu!
  8. O.O -twitches- I think that about sums up the entire month of December rather accurately. No one is ever happy. "Have a holly, jolly Christmas, it's the best time of the year." I'll believe that when 21 Dec 2012 is actually Doomsday.