- Posting Speed
- Slow As Molasses
- Online Availability
- NEVER
- Writing Levels
- Adept
- Douche
- Preferred Character Gender
- Primarily Prefer Female
- Genres
- Surrealism, Surreal Horror (Think Tim Burton), Steampunk, Sci-Fi Fantasy, Spaghetti Westerns, Mercenaries, Dieselpunk, Cyberpunk, Historical fantasies
A Very Deadpool Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the City,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a kitty,
Except for the one that Deadpool was shouting at,
You don't steal a man's taco, it was simple as that.
~
Having bested the cat and taken his taco,
Deadpool decided it was high time to go,
For he had a job to do that eve,
And a shit-ton of presents he had to leave.
~
Breaking into houses all over the town,
And a Mexican restaurant off 3rd and Brown,
He left pistols, playboys, grenades and rifles,
Machine guns, shotguns, bleu cheese and trifles.
~
He was filling in for good old Old Saint Nick,
Who he'd shot in the arse for being a dick,
He'd hijacked the sleigh and a few local hookers,
And a few rather frightened Korean food cookers.
~
Every child would wake up in the morning to see,
That Deadpool was better than Santa could be,
Because violence is what parents would just not allow,
But Old Saint Deadpool gave them katanas anyhow.
~
As he points his gun at me and tells me to write,
He smokes a cigar, and looks for a fight,
For he is pouring gas on a Nativity scene,
Claiming that Joseph was a 'Royal Peen.'
~
Seeing this, the Priest was rather enraged,
And before you could say the words 'missiles engaged'
He punched Deadpool straight on in the face,
Which sent Deadpool running in a Benny Hill-style race.
~
They fought and fought until their jaws nearly broke,
And as the Vicar-man had Deadpool in a holding choke,
He told him 'It's Christmas, we shouldn't be fighting'
'There should be no punching, kicking, or biting.'
~
'Who are you?' he asked, 'My name is Ermenegildo,'
But Deadpool hit him with a nearby massive dildo,
Sending him flying into an inflatable Santa,
Surely unconscious, while Deadpool opened a Fanta.
~
Sheathing his dildo with sword-like flair,
He took off his mask and ruffled his hair,
All the Hookers screamed and ran,
As Deadpool forgot his skin was like a rotten pecan.
~
Left alone to deliver the presents to all the girls and boys,
And only a few hours to deliver the toys,
He hopped on his sleigh and spanked all the reindeer,
Who were hyped up on chocolate, tacos and beer.
~
He gallantly slid down into every fireplace,
And rose up with burns on his arse, legs, and face,
Struggling to give playboys to all the adolescents,
Who were in great need of masturbatory presents.
~
The kimchee he ate got stuck in his teeth,
While he adorned each door with a burrito wreath,
And opened each can of corned beef,
Eating raw tacos while spreading belief.
~
He drank all the milk and ate all the cookies,
And stole a little money to take to a bookies,
But above all he tried to ensure the peace,
Of every man, woman, child, by leaving small feasts.
~
At last our masked hero was nearly all done,
As he brought up his sleigh toward the 'wakening sun,
He raised his dildo up into the cold winter night,
Shouting, "TO ALL A NICE HOLIDAY, AND GET SOME TONIGHT!"
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the City,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a kitty,
Except for the one that Deadpool was shouting at,
You don't steal a man's taco, it was simple as that.
~
Having bested the cat and taken his taco,
Deadpool decided it was high time to go,
For he had a job to do that eve,
And a shit-ton of presents he had to leave.
~
Breaking into houses all over the town,
And a Mexican restaurant off 3rd and Brown,
He left pistols, playboys, grenades and rifles,
Machine guns, shotguns, bleu cheese and trifles.
~
He was filling in for good old Old Saint Nick,
Who he'd shot in the arse for being a dick,
He'd hijacked the sleigh and a few local hookers,
And a few rather frightened Korean food cookers.
~
Every child would wake up in the morning to see,
That Deadpool was better than Santa could be,
Because violence is what parents would just not allow,
But Old Saint Deadpool gave them katanas anyhow.
~
As he points his gun at me and tells me to write,
He smokes a cigar, and looks for a fight,
For he is pouring gas on a Nativity scene,
Claiming that Joseph was a 'Royal Peen.'
~
Seeing this, the Priest was rather enraged,
And before you could say the words 'missiles engaged'
He punched Deadpool straight on in the face,
Which sent Deadpool running in a Benny Hill-style race.
~
They fought and fought until their jaws nearly broke,
And as the Vicar-man had Deadpool in a holding choke,
He told him 'It's Christmas, we shouldn't be fighting'
'There should be no punching, kicking, or biting.'
~
'Who are you?' he asked, 'My name is Ermenegildo,'
But Deadpool hit him with a nearby massive dildo,
Sending him flying into an inflatable Santa,
Surely unconscious, while Deadpool opened a Fanta.
~
Sheathing his dildo with sword-like flair,
He took off his mask and ruffled his hair,
All the Hookers screamed and ran,
As Deadpool forgot his skin was like a rotten pecan.
~
Left alone to deliver the presents to all the girls and boys,
And only a few hours to deliver the toys,
He hopped on his sleigh and spanked all the reindeer,
Who were hyped up on chocolate, tacos and beer.
~
He gallantly slid down into every fireplace,
And rose up with burns on his arse, legs, and face,
Struggling to give playboys to all the adolescents,
Who were in great need of masturbatory presents.
~
The kimchee he ate got stuck in his teeth,
While he adorned each door with a burrito wreath,
And opened each can of corned beef,
Eating raw tacos while spreading belief.
~
He drank all the milk and ate all the cookies,
And stole a little money to take to a bookies,
But above all he tried to ensure the peace,
Of every man, woman, child, by leaving small feasts.
~
At last our masked hero was nearly all done,
As he brought up his sleigh toward the 'wakening sun,
He raised his dildo up into the cold winter night,
Shouting, "TO ALL A NICE HOLIDAY, AND GET SOME TONIGHT!"
