A Question.

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Luminosity, Jan 8, 2016.

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  1. So I've been role playing for about seven years now, and I've always loved to write romance. Every plot HAS to have some form of it, but I've run into a conflict. I've had a loving boyfriend for two years now, and we both love to write with each other. Thing is, he states that he doesn't want me writing romance with anyone else except him, stating that he gets triggered when I do.

    Should I feel frustrated about this? I sort of understand what he means, but I feel like something is being taken away from me just because of jealousy about me writing a character kissing another.
     
  2. It's possessive - no other way around it. He needs to learn how to differentiate fiction and reality. Nothing on him, though; I bet he's a great guy otherwise.
     
  3. He really is, and an AMAZING writer too. It's too bad he's like that. :(
     
  4. Open relationships are so stigmatized in western cultures that a lot of people haven't been exposed to a healthy discussion of how to communicate about this kind of issue. There's a spectrum of needs people have regarding this, and it's one of the sea of concerns that ought to be discussed when a close bond with somebody dear to you begins to form.

    This is possessive behavior, yes, but that isn't necessarily wrong. Aside from the fact that this sort of mentality is ancient, it's also the default, because we still live in a culture where we argue about one [blank] and one [blank] defining marriage. Try walking into a serious political debate advocating for legally-sanctioned polyamory in a western nation and you'll be laughed out of the place.

    In other words, according to the vast majority of people in the western world, your companion is expected to be possessive, and anything else is simply scandalous. Obviously this is unrealistic, but welcome to politics.

    Do I think he's wrong? Yeah, I suppose, but I also think it's his right to define the parameters of the relationships he involves himself in. But so do you; and if this degree of possessiveness is beyond what you're willing to compromise, then I think the answer should be clear from there.

    But I get the impression this is not the case, given your fondness of this person. In which case, I feel this is the sort of on-going discussion you need to be having in order to maintain a healthy balance of power in the relationship. He may feel triggered (that really isn't his best choice of words) by your fictional romances, but you also feel that he's stepping on your toes, here, when he asks you to avoid writing romance. Your feelings matter, too. One's needs do not outweigh the others' in a healthy relationship.

    Beyond that, I don't think there's much else to say. This is the sort of thing you two can only solve together. If you can't come to an agreement, then you each have to decide how much you're willing to compromise for this relationship. If you can't find a balance with that, then you may be looking at a deal-breaker.

    I hope everything works out, though. I hate to be negative, but possessiveness isn't something I really know how to interact with positively. Love be with you both!
     
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  5. It is possessiveness, and lots of insecurity as well. You two should probably talk about that, and delve deeper than "I just don't like it." Find the root of it, and see if you can't at least come to understand him better.

    Do not engage in battle. This is not a fight. This is your relationship. The only way you two will harmonize and see a stronger, brighter future is through communication.

    That said, also let him know how you feel. Tell him what writing these things mean to you, and how it in no way takes away what you two have. Let him know you love him no matter what.

    Again, let me emphasize: Communication. If neither of you can put up with the other, if just a little, then you two will need to have another conversation.



    By all means, feel free to ignore what I've said if the status quo of your relationship is fine for you. But if you'd like to perhaps--potentially--create a stronger relationship where both of you can be happier, why not try out what I offered?

    DISCLAIMER: I am no relationship doctor or therapist. Just a guy that's seen a lot of shit.
     
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  6. Well. First and obvious question: What causes him to be "triggered?" What's the source of the emotional distress from him?

    I have no idea what the past two years of your relationship is like, so I won't jump to conclusions about how it has been for those two years. It sounds like you've had a lovely time with him though, so I can only assume that this emotional distress is abnormal. Might not hurt to inquire what the source of it is and then work on some compromises.
     
  7. Like others have said this is a common thing to have happen, one I and most others on this site would disagree with (though note this is a site of roleplayers) but still a common viewpoint.

    The first thing that comes to mind personally is communication, and I don't just mean the whole "Be open to your partner" sort of deal.
    I also mean in these situations people also tend to have a warped idea of what romance in RP entails and involves, this could be a situation that requires little more than clarification.

    If that doesn't work, then I would go with what the others have said in trying to find a common ground, assuming of course this is an area where both you are willing to compromise on for one another.
     
    • What does roleplaying romance mean to you? What does your relationship mean to you? What are the differences?
    • What does roleplaying romance mean to him? What does your relationship mean to him? What are the differences?
    • What are the differences between your perceptions on these topics?
      • Have they changed by putting them into words? Is one or are both of you comfortable with a compromise to your initial positions?
      • Alternatively; Have your perceptions not changed? Is there an underlying reason? Is there another topic you need to discuss before getting to this one?
    • Talk it over as necessary.

    Probably best not to be so cold and calculated about it, but try figuring these out. Try to remain calm, even if the other party doesn't. I don't pretend to know the guy or your relationship, but if it's insecurity as many people have guessed, then his response might be aggressive (not physically) and search conflict. Don't allow this, don't get into a fight. Remember your goal of searching a solution both of you are comfortable with. Likewise, don't let spur of the moment emotions influence your decision. It's easy to feel compassion or guilt when a loved one shows such strong feelings on a topic, but it's important for the both of you that agency remains in your personal decisions. People without agency aren't happy people and it's important for a relationship for both parties to have agency.

    tl;dr the answer is communication. It always is and it's often tricky, but it's what makes relationships work.
     
  8. Most people here are emphasizing on the possessive behaviour, but I don't think that is an issue. If you've been together for 2 years and are pretty happy together then this hasn't most likely been a huge issue. I mean, in my past relationships, I know within the first month or two how possessive or jealous the person is. As you haven't indicated any other jealousy or possessive problems that have raised I am to assume this is it?

    Here's what I think. Do you love him? If your answer is a hard yes then the answer is simple. Stop romance roleplaying with others. He is not asking you to stop completely. He is asking you to only do it with him. I don't find that posessive. I see it as him wanting to be the only person you fantasize romantically with, even if it's fiction you're writing with others. It shouldn't matter why he wants you to stop. What is important is that he is asking you. If you care about him it would be no thing to only roleplay romantically with him. However, that is just my opinion. It's not a bad thing if you want to end things with him to roleplay how you want with who you want, but you need to decide what you want. Like I said, there is no right or wrong answer.

    I know in my personal experience, there are weird little things that I just didn't like in my relationships. Logically, I couldn't explain why they bothered me, they just did. If I were to communicate this issue to my partner I'd hope they would respect my feelings and understand enough to stop what was bothering me. If not, then it either wasn't meant to be, or I'd have to give in which would only last so long till the resentment built up long enough to cause a break up or huge fight.

    So, my dear, you are at an empass. I personally wouldn't bother asking him why it bothers him that you romantically roleplay with others. Clearly, he is jealous and doesn't like it. Need there be any other reason? You just need to decide what you are going to do (or not do) about it. If you absolutely can't or won't stop then you need to tell him the truth and let him decide if he can deal with it or not.

    Best of luck to you. :)
     
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  9. You know what, I really like this, because Hope is right. There just are little things in a relationship, from little jealousies to little quirks, and sometimes there are just things you want from your lover that you can't quite explain. He's not entirely wrong for these jealousies. But at the same time, you're not entirely wrong for still wanting to be able to write whatever, wherever, whenever. It's just a matter of questions to ask yourself, maybe him. And ultimately, in the end, requires you to communicate.
     
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