A poem about sleep.

R

Ryex

Guest
Original poster
The Hours Past Midnight ~Ryex said:
Whilst I pondered weak and weary, upon a night most dreary – or something like, the poem goes – I came upon a needle stack, and could not find the hay.
it is trying to describe the feeling you get when your really tired and still trying to concentrate on some thing. for example it's 1 in the morning and your still trying to read your history text book and nodding off every sentence and rereading each sentence three times.

ALSO: while I'm looking for out side opinion, if that opinion is "thats not a poem" then you best be quite. I have this as defense, a published poem by Ogdon Nash

Ode to a Baby ~Ogdon Nash said:
A bit of talcum, is always walcum
 

Vay

The Empress
Preferred Character Gender
Male, Female
Genres
Mostly Fantasy and Sci-fi, though I’ll do anything if the plot is good.
First line has good rhyming though "I came upon a needle stack, and could not find the hay." sounds more like finding the solution to an unknown problem. Perhaps putting it in a different context...

Perhaps continuing your form with lines like:

On and on I read, Never seeing what was said.

Its a good east flowing formula otherwise. Try expanding on it. Most of my poems begin as a single line and get added to in front of and behind them.

Good use of paired short sentences I can imagine it being read and sounding good.