A Comprehensive guide to writing Anal. (NSFW)

Discussion in 'THREAD ARCHIVES' started by Winter, Dec 4, 2017.

  1. Yes ladies and gentlemen, you read correctly today we're going to be covering how to effectively write an Anal scene and simultaneously make me want to commit seppuku with my own keyboard. I would like to inform all readers that this guide was asked for by your administrator @Jorick who felt this would be the best use of my time... well, not really, he dared me and I said bring it on. Never the less he we are so let's get the pain train moving, starting with the first subject I want to get to, which is:

    What is Anal?​


    Well my mentally scarred friend, Anal is the process of putting a mans umbrella handle inside the woman's trouser pocket, but for both my sanity and yours we're going to call it: Squeaky bum time. Why call it that I hear you ask? well I could tell you that I thought it would be more digestible for the reader but truth is I need more letters to fill up this awful explanation, has your time felt wasted yet? no? well let's move on to our next subject!

    How to write a squeaky bum time scene. ​


    How do you write a squeaky bum time scene? I mean it's a good question, not one I've personally put a lot of thought into until now but I would say there are some fundamental things you'll want to avoid, otherwise you'll end up writing a sex scene like the following demonstrated by ya boi, Dwayne 'The Rock Johnson:


    Pretty awkward am I right? Honestly we could probably avoid this by just paying a little more attention to detail. No not that part of the detail, you strange individual, but details of something I like to call:

    [​IMG]

    Yes, it says romance not Romans, though I'm aware the font makes you feel like your great grandfather attempting to thread a needle with a cat hair, hopelessly squinting while the rest of the family watches like arseholes instead of helping. But yes, romance is key to writing your squeaky bum time scene, try and pay attention to your writing partner and concentrate on getting a good feel for how they're progressing the scene along and the nature of the character they're writing. If they're trying to be all lovely and cute while you're attacking them like you're angrily trying to shove a bendy straw into an apple juice carton I somehow don't think the scene will play out very well.

    Another thing you might want to note is the setting, no one wants squeaky bum time in the middle of Walmart (if you're American) or Sainsbury's (if you're English). Try and set the scene with a nice location with maybe a little bit of aesthetics added in such as candles, or maybe some music such as what you'd find from Marvin himself:


    You hear that? that's squeaky bum time gold right there. Always think about your surroundings and what you can add to make things a little less awkward and a little more romantic, of course it does depend on your partner and how they choose to approach the scene so ultimately they're no wrong answers, except this resource, which is completely wrong and you should have a quiet word with yourself for still reading.

    How do I finish squeaky bum time?​


    Again you should probably gauge it with your writing partner, but when you're finishing with the scene I suggest not trying to pull your umbrella handle out like your great Aunt Ruth trying to wrestle an over sized turkey from the oven on thanksgiving. It's always nice to read when a couple ends the scene with a cuddle or a nice conversation, just for the love of god remember that sex ends after squeaky bum time, don't try and send your soldier off to war before he's had a bath... it's just... just don't, ok?

    Conclusion!

    Yes ladies and gentlemen we're approaching the end of the resource, and while I'm more than aware this has been relatively short I can tell you right now that spending this amount of time has made me question myself on many various levels. However, to actually conclude this guide on squeaky bum fun, we've learned that the scene requires both writers to be on board and to spare some thought before during and after the scene. I hope you found this resource as useless as I did writing it and have a wonderful day.

     
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  2. One more reason to never visit my aunt Ruth again. Dear Jesus, that is an image that never will fade my memory.
     
  3. This is absolutely spectacular.

    Thank you Winter!
     
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  4. As promised even though I totally forgot and had to be reminded, here's my review of this guide. I was going to do a silly one, but after your laughable attempt to insult my writing skills in the staff chat I promised you a serious and savage review, so here we go. Just remember that you brought this on yourself. I went and grabbed the relevant bits of the Discord staff chat to string them together as photographic evidence that you asked for the massacre that is about to occur.


    The initial display of distaste for the subject ("make me want to commit seppuku") ruins whatever credibility you might have had in the eyes of a reader seeking a legitimate guide. On the plus side, it does give the reader a clear sign that if they were seeking a legitimate guide then this is something they can disregard immediately.

    The "well my mentally scarred friend" bit is patronizing and strange, why would someone be mentally scarred at the mere mention of anal? They clicked on the damned thing after reading the title, they know what they're getting into.

    The euphemisms are childish and make you look like you're afraid of the topic. It also gives the guide the very awkward feeling of being a child's guide to anal, which is definitely not a thing that should ever exist. If you're going to write a guide to anal sex you should at least have the courage to use the medically appropriate terms of penis and anus and so on.

    Centering romance in a guide to writing anal is a very strange choice. For one, romance is not mandatory for a sex scene. Casual hook-ups are a thing in roleplay just as they are in real life. You even sort of note in your vague not-quite-explanation of using romance for an anal scene that just roughly going at it is a thing that can happen.

    Wait, setting? Okay, this is starting to look more like a 101 guide for smut than anything to do specifically with anal. This is now more than halfway into the guide and, aside from goofy euphemisms, you have said literally nothing about how to write anal sex or how it differs from a vaginal sex or oral sex scene.

    "...they're there are no wrong answers, except this resource, which is completely wrong and you should have a quiet word with yourself for still reading." My sentiments exactly. >:[

    You finally sorta-kinda get to talking about the mechanics of anal sex... when talking about how to end it. But it's a weak-ass "don't just yank it out and be done" thing that is more about pushing romance than it is about proper anal etiquette. Kudos for the note about not going ass to vagina/mouth without a wash though, that's probably the first bit of legitimately useful information this guide has presented, albeit in another weirdly euphemistic way that makes me feel like I'm reading the creepiest kid's book ever.

    Your conclusion cements this as a poorly done general guide to smut. 'Make sure both writers are down to write it and actually put some thought into the scene' is the conclusion... to a "comprehensive" guide on writing anal. This is so far from comprehensive that I feel like even the "guide to writing Anal" part of the thread title is horribly misleading. Aside from the one quick aside about not going from anal to other sex there was absolutely nothing specific to anal sex in this whole guide.

    Overall I would only rate this a pathetic 1/10 as a guide to writing anal. This was like reading a "comprehensive" guide on driving that only said to watch the other cars around you and don't run red lights but spent a lot of time on picking a car with nice upholstery and good gas mileage. Very disappointing.

    Remember, you quite literally asked for this. 8D
     
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  5. [​IMG]

    I expected better, not nearly as mean enough. >:C

    Don't be a punkass Jorick, no one like a punkass.
     
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