Its Okay to take care of You

G

GrunkleLogic

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Original poster
So recently, someone came over to my house that I haven't seen in a long time. To give you a clear picture of this person, they have never been a very nice person to me. They always bullied and harassed me, taken advantage of me but I hoped in time that they would grow out of it. Me being 26, and them being 27 going on 28, I wondered if they would ever grow up.

Granted, they were more mature than they were at 20. But I was reminded just how cruel they could be this weekend. We were all in the car, headed home from a great dinner. They made some very cruel jokes towards me (I'm a fat transman that cannot alter a single thing about my body). Now I won't go into what they said to me, it would serve no other purpose than to make me sad once more.

We go to my house, where they were staying with me while in my city. They stayed around my roommate while I stayed in my room, trying to process and work through what this person had said to me. Now I've always rolled over and let things go, acted like their words weren't painful. But there comes a time in your life when you cannot keep running, and when this person came around to talk to me about everything, I told them this:

"No. We aren't going to talk about this until I am ready to. You made a joke, a few of them, at my expense and this time you really went way too far. I know that you are sorry, but that doesn't help. You really hurt me, but I am not in a place to talk about it. Maybe in the future, we'll chat. But right now, consider it a forbidden subject. You have the right to be upset over this, and your emotions are valid, but so are mine. And you need to respect that I am not ready right now to talk about any of this, not yet."

We gamed and they went to sleep.

I was told later that someone thought my choice was 'unfair' to my friend, but here's the thing; you are allowed to step back and take care of your needs. Nothing makes you a bad person for needing time away from them, or for needing time to heal.

You don't always need to put others before you to make you a good person; you matter enough to take time for you. People, while they might not mean to, will take the chance to exploit that.

This all has been a lesson for me that I need to start thinking what was best for me, and not for everyone around me. I cannot force myself to forgive something like that like I had when I was young.

I don't love my friend less for this, but I understand now that it is alright that I get angry. That I cry and what they did was wrong. I never want anything bad to happen to them, ever. But I need them to understand where I'm at, and that I can be hurt by what they do or say.

Take care of yourself, you are allowed to and you deserve the same love you show others.​
 
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Similarly:

- You don't have to explain yourself
- You are ALWAYS free to walk away from a conversation. Always
- You don't HAVE to keep a shitty person in your life.
- People are not entitled to your forgiveness.

Good on you, Grunkle.
It takes a lot of confidence to finally stand up for yourself, especially to say something like how you did. (e.g. I don't want to continue this conversation).

Most people feel they're obligated to explain themselves "I need X because..." and/or entitled to your time/opinion/explanation.

An example would be:
A: I'm breaking up with you.
B: ... why?
A: *shrugs*
B: I HAVE TO FIND OUT WHY

The answer is.. no you don't have to find out why. And likewise, you don't have to explain why, either.

Anyway, realizing this, and then actually using it to your benefit takes a lot of effort and confidence. But when you do use it, your life will be drastically improved.

So, good on you GrunkleLogic, and I hope you're able to stand up for yourself in more situations in the future. And I hope other people use your advice and recognize those things too.
 
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I think this is really great and a huge step forwards. The hardest thing is to confront someone and that's only exacerbated when that person is your friend. Like Vars said, some people feel entitled to your time, to explain themselves but if you're not ready that's well within your right to say so and to not engage in a conversation you don't want. No one is entitled to anything about you that you don't want to share. So good for you Grunkle, really, that took a lot of confidence and courage.

Personally I think your friend should have known better, but everyone makes mistakes and you're completely valid in your feelings. I hope that, when you do talk to this person, they learn and try to do better. You should never be the butt of a joke from your own friends, especially over something so personal. You're not lesser than anyone else and anyone who makes you feel that way should 100% be checked.

I hope things work out between yourself and your friend :)
 
I can understand being short on friends, both for reasons involving marginalization and those involving being a shitty person. It makes it easy to cling to anyone that isn't a complete scumbag. But, where-ever the line is drawn, it is usually not far enough on equal footing. If someone wants to make casual transphobic jokes at you, it's their call, but it's not unfair that they face the consequences of their actions. Whatever was said, it's likely not different from any other sort of insults that would otherwise be used behind your back by people who would equate you with some sort of predator just for existing.

And nobody benefits much from friends like that.

You're on a good track, though. Selflessness can ruin a person.
 
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