RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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I don't understand it. One day I'm reading all these people bemoan how they get so many robo calls and thinking to myself "I've had this number for 4 years now and never gotten one. Man am I lucky/smug"
And then SUDDENLY

3x a day robocall.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED

I didn't even give my phone number to anyone??
The last time I gave out my phone number which was sort of recent but doesn't really correlate to the calls is Best buy for shipment, and it was required, and if they sold my number I'm gonna be so mad.
Note to self: Give fake numbers for not life or death shipments.

A $4 tripod is not worth this.

I've already stopped picking up my phone for anyone not in my contact list (that only took 2 calls) but what sucks here is it's always a different number, because I guess they generate/mask them randomly, so I can't even block them. Fml.

You'd think if it was so god damn important they'd leave a message but nah.
 
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*superglues my own mouth shut*
 
I just wanna
File down my tooth

I don't know how it got so jagged, I guess I chipped it a little bit
It's not visible unless you're looking in my mouth like I do when I floss my teeth, but I can feel it and it drives me crazy
So of course I just run my tongue along it repeatedly, hating every second.

Why don't they just make, like, nail files, except for teeth
 
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I think an internet friend is ignoring me because I don't watch his youtube videos??
I didn't realize that was a requirement to be your friend?

I make videos too, have you ever watched any of mine? Likely not!
And it just came out of nowhere.

We were having a great conversation, I thought, and then "Hey do you watch my videos?"
Me: Uh, I saw a few of them back when I was still active on [art site]? But to be fair I don't really watch anybody's videos.
I think the last one I saw was the one where [stuff from probably like 2 years ago]?

[SUDDEN CONVO DEATH]

Well, this effort of mine to be more conversational has really backfired! That's 2 people who won't talk to me.
Although to be fair, the first guy literally thought he was a reincarnation of hitler, so I guess he's not much of a loss.
I liked this guy, though.


---
Also, related, the robo calls? 5 times yesterday.
I installed an app that auto-blocks unknown and suspected spam callers now. But it still rings once before sending them to voicemail.
(And 2 actually did leave voicemails, this time. 1 was just blank noise so not sure it counts).
I haven't gotten any today, but I suspect that's because they don't work over the weekend.
If this comes back with a vengence on monday I am going to heavily consider a new phone number.
Which sucks since I fought so hard to keep this one just a few months ago!! ugh

---

Tfw you're cold but you're body's like "Nah we're gonna sweat anyway" fml

[spoili]
Also Idk wtf is up but today I just feel like crying over fucking nothing.
Depressive episode I guess.

-

and health problems.
Pretty insignificant I guess but I'm fucking tired of all this dumb little shit I keep catching.
Just got off antibiotics for my foot and now it's back again and spread to the other foot. And some junk with my eyes I had minor surgery to fix are back again.
Just can we stop with this nonsense please.
Why is this happening

I can only make so many damn lifestyle changes, it's not like I have much of a fucking life left to change anymore
[/spoili]
 
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My mood, for this time of year, is incredible. I'm very happy and proud about that. CBT has really helped me after years of resisting it.

But I'm still so fucking tired! And I have no motivation to do anything! All I want to do is sleep. My state of mind - good. My body - fuck you. I have stuff to do, and people to reply to. (All right, that last one has a little bit to do with my state of mind as well. Rather, I should say a lot to do with it.)
 
Woke up this morning and immediately started crying.

You gotta love what a well-put-together human being I am.
 
Another day, another opportunity to remember that I'm apparently incapable of independent thought and that I'm a fucking sponge who internalizes just about everything she hears without any hesitation or criticism.

And that the only exception to this thought process is when people try to compliment me and I immediately disagree, at least internally. I have like 0 independently-formed thoughts or opinions, except for the fact that I'm a piece of shit. That is one of the only beliefs I have that isn't completely shaken to the core and leaves me thinking "but what if they're 100% right and I'm 100% wrong???" anytime someone says something as simple as "I disagree".
 
I got all excited because another song got added to the damn playlist I've been following for the past month....it wasn't the song I've been waiting for. >_< I know the artist is trying to get it released, but it's not happening fast enough! Why didn't they release it months ago? I've had this damn song stuck in my head, and I can't even listen to it to get it out!
 
Selfish rant time

I don't wanna write
I don't wanna do anything that takes effort
Everyone is busy because it's the holidays but because it's the holidays I am extra needy and lonely and I just want
to talk
to people!!!
I wanna chat! I wanna have fun!

But everyone is busy!
Even my own mother is too busy to talk to me

AHHHHH
 
I need to learn to stop being so needy.

I also need to stop playing it off like a cute thing. I'm being my own enabler. ><
 
OH BOY!
Who DOESN'T like a $155 bill for propane that won't be retroactively paid by the government benefits I got on the first of December because they're super slow to be implemented with the propane company!!!

....

I guess in a slightly optimistic place of thought, this means that there's a lot more expensive bills down the pipeline (assuming global warming doesn't kill the cold completely in the next 2 months) that the benefits WILL pay for. Hopefully.

Sigh.

edit: and just for anybody out of the loop, my heating is done through propane and I've had my thermostat on 58f since late november
(my house has pretty bad insulation)
 
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Who the hell goes to the gym coated in cologne?! I've had to shorten my workout because the creep beside me is/was causing an asthma attack. What a fucking creeper.
 
I feel like getting drunk so I have an excuse to feel so depressed.

But that never ends well.
 
I feel like I have zero right to complain because I'm the one who has been dropping the proverbial ball, but I miss you. I wish there was more I could do for you. Maybe that's it, maybe that's the problem. Self-improvement is a bitch.
 
I gave Overlord a shot because people insisted that I would like it. I might have if I didn't hate 90% of the female cast. The first chick I was like eh, okay, she's just a weird science trope, ignore her. But then there was a vampire who's visually like 15 and they tmi about the state of her underwear. Ew. No. I can't. Get it away.

From what I gather the main plot is not all that different from other anime I have watched, other than the main character needs to act evil? If I want a "save the empire" story I'll just watch Utawarerumono. It's not perfect, but it at least the female characters have personality beyond their libido.

Seriously, who thought I'd like this? Sure I like villains, but this guy is literally just an average Joe sucked into a video game turned real. Who hasn't seen that done a hundred times and better?
 
I need to learn to stop being so needy.

^^^^^^ this hasn't changed!!!!

and apparently I'm still incapable of ever learning from the past ever!!!!
 
I've got nothing left in me at the moment. Just watching various things crumble and fall but I can't even find the will to stop any of it. I feel so damned empty and hollow. I keep thinking I'm getting past that point and recouping some but then something else goes down and I just lose the ground gained. Oh well, such is life.
 
I'm genuinely tired and angry at this "spoons" concept popping up around the internet. I hate it. It's nothing more than an excuse.

Setting that aside, I've been feeling a lot of rage lately. It's like I can't go a single day without seeing red. I'm mad at games, mad at my dog, mad at myself, etc. I'm just angry and I've got nothing to vent on. If this keeps up, I'm gonna end up trashing something. Likely myself.
 
Ruining a friendship because I just can't get a grip on things... I'm an eternal fucking fool and gods above I am so very tired...
 
Someone linked me a thing about women writing MxM fetishizing actual gay men and how sad it is that real gay men can't write gay stuff without women stepping all over them and now I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AND AM ANGRY

Like it's a thing I always knew and was kind of upset about but I never had words or could quite articulate why it made me mad other than "why do so many women like yaoi."

And then it did something worse
it made me realize that like a LARGE chunk of why I hated myself for liking men was 100% due to false ideas since MxM rps and shit were my first exposure to gay sex

And now I'm sitting here just like
wow
fuck yaoi

like way more than ever before

thank you random internet person who articulated why yaoi is hurtful

edit: For the curious

edit2:
Slightly related, these last 2 weeks have been one really prolonged depressive episode so I'm sure this revelation hurts a lot more than it normally would
either way life sucks right now I honestly kind of wish I were suicidal because at least I'd know what to do with those feelings
But no I get to deal with all these other feelings I hate and am uncomfortable with
thanks brain
also fuck you
 
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