RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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I would've loved if that thing that happened just now, just... hadn't happened.

This is the last thing I should be worrying about right now. I don't want things like this to come up and remind me of it when I'm trying to sort out much bigger and more pressing concerns in my life. ><
 
brain why

brain stahp :(
 
oh!! I have just now acquired an additional piece of information that makes me feel bad about the things I have said and done before!! and which makes me feel like an idiot!!!

lovely
 
That feel when the concept of something that you used to really enjoy has become so poisoned to you that you can't think about it without getting horribly upset about it. Where you can't even listen to people try to compliment you and make you feel good in relation to that particular subject without breaking into tears (and not happy tears). And you feel like the most ungrateful piece of shit in the world for reacting this way to actions and intentions that have been nothing but positive.

And you know it's just not going to change. Never again will you be able to feel good about it the way that you used to. It will always be a fucked-up subject, and nothing that anyone ever says will make you feel better. And you have no one to blame but yourself for that reality. Because everyone around you has offered nothing but encouragement and kindness. And the only one beating yourself up is yourself and you don't even know why. And simply telling yourself that there's nothing wrong and that all the bad stuff is just in your head and just trying to go along with the positive narrative that everyone gives the situation just... doesn't work, because, I dunno... thought machine broke???

It's been eight months and I'm still not over it. At this rate, I'll probably never be. And because I'll never be over it, I can also never freely inhabit what I used to consider the most friendly internet space, the place where I felt most at home, without feeling weird and uncomfortable about the whole ordeal. And again, I have no one to blame but myself.

Never mind the fact that the thing I'm upset about is probably the most petty thing for anyone to be upset about, and even then, there is literally no problem here. Except for the imaginary ones that only exist in my head. And I'm still making all of that out to be a fucking tragedy. Why am I such an insufferable bitch.
 
Why is it so hard for me to just be grateful. Why do I act so personally offended when people try to comfort me?? To say nice things about me???

Also, now that I'm typing all this out... god, now I'm a hypocrite, too. So nice to add that to the list of things wrong with me.
 
>really really don't want to keep seeing a specific banner ad here on Iwaku
>tried to right-click on the ad and use my adblocker to block out that image specifically
>still seeing that ad come up in the rotation

:) Understandable. Have a nice day.
 
THE NEUTRAL ROUTE IS NOW UNAVAILABLE!!!

YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD JUST SIT BACK AND STAY IN YOUR LANE?? AND AVOID CONFRONTATIONS??? AND AVOID DOING ANYTHING THAT WOULD BE SEEN AS HUGE SLAP IN THE FACE TO YOUR FRIENDS????

HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU

LIFE AIN'T A LET'S PLAY. YOU CAN'T JUST WATCH. YOU GOTTA PARTICIPATE. YOU GOTTA DO SHIT. YOU EITHER WORK THROUGH THE HARD PARTS OR YOU GIVE UP AND DIE. CHOOSE, BITCH.
 
This is probably the most pathetic I've ever seen myself. When did this become my life.
 
When u break out the Thanksgiving wine early because math is just too much for u and ur gonna fail your classes, lil friend! :)

haha, fuck any and all math tho. i'm dying inside.
 
My physical health is terrible and so is my mental health. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
 
Let me just say that. After dealing with these chickens. ESPECIALLY TODAY (3x in less than 2 hours).

I now know where the word "cocky" comes from

and it is EXTREMELY ACCURATE

edit: I've now had to chase them out 2 times since this post.
I've never had to do this so many times in a day what the fuck is going on
 
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I adore my parents, but sometimes they forget how little time they spent with me as a child. Mom tried to pull the "we don't do anything together anymore" when in truth we never did. They bought me board games that I never got to use. I was not allowed to even have friends over to play said games. Anytime I tried to watch a movie with them they would either sleep through it or spend hours on the kitchen phone with relatives who rarely visit us. When I signed for extra-curricular programs they never came. They even installed a TV in the kitchen so they didn't have to use the same TV as me.

I don't blame them for any it, I accept it because it's something they chose to do and it gave me space to problem solve on my own. But it's almost insulting when they act like I'm the one who pushed them away and try the whole "I don't remember that" as their defense. "I don't remember you being in any programs" well, that should tell you right there because I have yearbooks that say otherwise. "You never asked me to have friends over" again that's entirely weird because I have have two friends who remember consistent denials.

You're right, I must be making things up. I'm just a master of photoshop and brainwashing.
 
I've been exhausted lately.

There's no reason for me to feel this way as my sleep schedule has been, generally speaking, fine. In spite of this, however, I find it hard to wake in the mornings and to simply get out of bed. I also spend most of my evenings napping away (and can still sleep at as well). I'm worried that I might be ill, but my sister believes that I am going through a bout of depression. Either way, I refuse to tell anyone as I doubt they'll take me seriously anyway.
 
Boss sent me home early since I'm sick... physically. I feel like a criminal.

...

I tried. I really did. I... maybe it wasn't the best shot, not by a mile, but it was my best shot.

I've tried so many different ways. Being angry didn't work. Closing off didn't work. God didn't work. Fantasy didn't work. Lying to myself didn't work. Nothing has changed, it's never gotten better.

Would medication really have helped? If it would, why was I born so pathetic? If it wouldn't... this is completely my doing. What have I missed that everyone else picked up on so easily?

I had a chance to just quietly go by. There would've been some dignity in that. But. I can't just ignore other people, it isn't that easy. Definitely should have, though...


You know what. No. I don't want a psychiatrist. I already know I'm as mentally sick as it gets, way too many people have confirmed it. No need wasting money on a doctor to find that out. And I don't want any medicine either, I don't care. I'm sick, I was born wrong. This is factual. But I'm also sick of people saying otherwise. It's not that I have no self worth, I'm just legitimately an evil person. I'm selfish, I hurt people, and I can't be bothered to offer anything good to the world.

I'm only posting this now because I'm a narcissist as well. I'm such scum. Hating me is an act of virtue. I should be banned.
 
My dog either has valley fever (super treatable at this point) or bone cancer.

So, my sweet pupper either has some more years left or just a few months.

If I don't have cancer with my tumor, then she can't either. I'm just not allowing her.
 
The folks who run CBS are a bunch of fucking greedy assholes; I just lost access to my favorite channel because they're trying squeeze more money out of Dish Network. I am so unbelievably pissed right now.
 
Those moments when you want to say so much more to someone you're close to but instead you refrain because you're unsure said person even wants to hear such things from you. When such words to others have led to being burned in the past and you just can't get past it all.

Anyways, this tired, old man is done rambling for now.
 
MMM YEAH 5:00 IN THE MORNING IS THE PERFECT TIME TO READ ABOUT HOW APPARENTLY 1 IN 50 PEOPLE JUST CASUALLY HAVE A BRAIN ANEURYSM CHILLING IN THEIR HEAD

READY TO BURST AT ANY TIME

MMMMMmmMMM YEP
 
It's the day before my least favorite holiday. Harvest is fun and the food is good but I don't like being around my siblings for very long. One paces grooves into the floor and the other makes fun of my weight anytime I eat. It makes me not want to eat while she's around. Joke's on her though, I'm skinny because of how my body breaks down food not because I don't eat a lot.
 
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