FFS! Flash Fiction Selections: Skeletons in the Closet

RiverNotch said:

462
Benny Haseraph isn't a Jewish enough name for an angel. xP.

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the name is based on one of the Jewish words for angels, sons of god, bene ha elohim. he's a nephilim and his father was a seraphim, so Benny haseraph

@RiverNotch

Oddly, while I've heard of Hemingway's famous six word short story, I had not had that on my mind at all when I'd written it, haha! I'd been channeling a conversation my husband, my mother-in-law, and I had been having around Reborn silicon baby dolls and how crazy people were about the things, seeing as MIL had bought some for my nieces.

Jax's Quick Reviews!

@neobendium This is a rather interesting take on the prompt, and I like the way you tied in the Bernard Shaw quote a lot. The writing itself is good, and I like that there's something of an "unreliable narrator" in the mix with how Ailbe may or may not be hallucinating all of this. I do think you could get across her "condition" a lot earlier in to allow the reader a little bit of forewarning of what exactly it is that makes this entire encounter questionable. That would add to a feeling of dissociation, fear, and dread -- the reader is even unsure of what to believe. The relationship between the spirit and Ailbe is also compelling and mysterious! Perhaps adding a little more dread into that relationship -- that Ailbe has guessed what's going on, and is scared because of what her family has said -- would make this pop even more.

@Greenie I will be frank and say this one was my favorite. It's got a very clear beginning, middle, end, and the prompt was well executed. Your characters have a lot of, well, character (an Indian vampire family!! Very original!) and they're incredibly likable. Throughout, you make sure the reader knows exactly the mystery afoot, and the denouement was very funny and quite cute. On top of that, everything is very well polished. I think you did a great job.

@Nim While I really like the overall idea of the piece (a basement that seems to swallow people and make others forget them....), I have a hard time feeling bad for the couple! From the get-go, there's not a lot of characterization -- just two names, Michael and Lisa. Obviously, this is a flash fiction submission, so you're limited by word count, but even a very short conversation can give us an idea of who these two characters are -- and dread the demise of Michael's wife. This is the reason people like to watch slasher films, haha! The other major issue I see here is you've got a lot of "telling" going on. You tell us where George was, or you tell us who Miriam is, or you tell us that they were stuck in traffic and are tired. Instead, if you show these things -- like Michael and Lisa complaining in front of their friend's house, or how George seems a little too intent on Michael's wife through his glances, or how everyone avoids that basement door -- you have a much greater impact. There's more emotional weight. I do really like how you handled the prompt, just I think your execution could be a bit more polished.

@Auphe This was a very good submission to me. The mystery was present right from the get-go, and we get a very good idea of who our characters are. I like that I had to chew over what it was that made Liam hate himself and what it was exactly his father made him do for a living. The little details you add really help the reader build the bigger picture, and as always, the reader will come up with the horror so much easier themselves, and usually better than what the author can write. You used that to your advantage by leaving it vague, letting the reader fill in the blanks. I did find the revelation that his father raped his mother as a little bit abrupt, and I felt like that could have been foreshadowed better, but overall, this was a great use of the prompt.

@PoetLore Your submission idea was quite interesting, but I felt it was a little forced for the prompt we were given. I think you and I suffered from the same problem, haha! I think that your descriptions are great -- word choice, imagery -- but your characterization could probably use a little bit of work. The emotional gutwrench didn't really hit me when she found out that her dead husband's been cheating. I think it would work a lot better if first, you showed that Scott had been a loving person, then destroyed that image with the reveal of his mistress, especially if Lainie had SEEN her before somewhere else and couldn't remember her (coworker, bartender, someone Scott would have known but Lainie would have only had a passing acquaintance). However, if the dreams are supernatural in character, I think you could better telegraph that through some device like a totem (a piece of Scott, like his shirt) or other oddity that would tell us she is supernaturally putting two and two together.

@Rathashan Ninelives So... I was a bit bored in this piece. While I think the world you built was interesting -- with the Spider worshipping dark elves, the adventurers, the dwarves against everyone else -- the actual execution left me scratching my head, wondering what was the mystery here? What is it you want me to draw from it? Was it just that this is a dark elf halfblood who decided to get out from under his mother? I think the framing device is really what held this back, as I did not particularly care for your narrator, though the other characters he talks about are interesting.

@Doctor Jax Thank you so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed my story! (Seriously, my morning grumpy mood completely vanished)

You're very welcome! Anything I can do to make someone's day better, haha!

@Doctor Jax Thank you so much for the kind review and your suggestions. I will definetly incorporate them into my writing ^.^

@Doctor Jax

Those are some very good points, I'll be sure to think of those well in future times I write short stories such as these. Thanks for the review ^^

Jax's Quick Reviews part 2: Electric Bugaloo!

At this point my "quick" reviews aren't very quick, haha!

@RiverNotch I... am not sure what I was supposed to draw from this piece, either. I understood many of the literary elements -- the katabatic journey to the land of the dead, the allusions to Orpheus, Homer, various poets, etc. -- but the actual meat of the story was really lost on me. While the writing is on its face good, the actual impact of the story is so vague as to be indefinable. Combining your allusion-heavy style with something much more grounded in the "foreground" story of Ilya would have helped some (for instance, this was something Lovecraft did, making allusions while telling the story). Otherwise, here, the emotional impact is lost because the reader really doesn't have much of an idea at what you're getting at. I understand that there's some sort of illness at work within this person's mind, and that he has a great regard for poets, but other than that, I'm pretty well and good lost.

@Moose I think that the actual conversation itself between Death and Benny was well thought out. I really loved the ending statements Death posited to Benny, that it doesn't matter whether the apocalypse comes or not -- he gets it both ways anyhow. However, in a way I feel like the other Horsemen were more or less superfluous. I felt like you could have alluded to Benny having met them, but not actually including them in the story. They seemed more accessory to Death, who appears to be the main focus. I do think that your writing could be cleaned up grammar-wise, and that would add a lot of punch to your writing, seeing as you would have much more emphasis on what is important or meaningful to you as the writer. Overall, an interesting premise, but the execution could use some work.

@Doctor Jax Ugh, absolutely awful! (Okay, that's a joke)

Anonymous I'm kind of sad this is anonymous seeing as this was one of my favorites! While I had originally thought "oh, the ol' hiding in the closet from the serial killer, whoopie", the twist of having her brother come into the house was brilliant! It took a rather cliche opener and gave it something fresh, an added dose of visceral fear. Most of us can relate to the adult fear of knowing a loved one is possibly in danger. The irony used as well was fantastic, as it had some commentary on the difference between ideal and reality, when faced with that situation in the moment rather than from afar. I greatly enjoyed this piece.

@Ananfal The mystery here is somewhat compelling, but I find that it comes in far too late. I don't have time, really, to mull it over -- whatever it is that happens to be threatening the known universe. I love the descriptions of how this inhuman human talks, but I think that you could better add qualifiers/signifiers to your speakers so as to better get an idea of who is saying what. There were a few times I had to go back and reread because I couldn't remember who started when. While I'm somewhat curious about what this is all about, I find that I'm not given quite enough detail to completely enthrall me just yet. I think a few more worldbuilding, environmental storytelling clues would draw me in enough that I want to know what world this is, what the second speaker happens to be, and what sort of challenge the human and his alien companion are going to face.

@Peregrine I actually found this to be a bit too short, haha! I felt like there was a lot of things I was missing. There were some wonderful small glimpses into these people's lives, but not enough for me to draw a complete enough picture of the situation. That said, it's still an attention-grabber! I just don't really have enough information to really understand the "choice" that was made. There seemed to be a lot left unresolved. That said, it IS the shortest, with a beginning, middle, and end, which is quite a good start.

Anonymous This was another fascinating entry, and I liked how the prompt was handled. The execution, while done well, still lacked a little bit of something. I think the biggest thing was that there was still a little too much "telling" but not so much showing about the aliens themselves, such as people's reactions to them. This would have really added to the story and some of the impact. However, your characters are quite likable and there's a neat thread going on here with the plot of an interspecies breeding program on that scale right under the "leaders" noses.

Doctor Jax said:

@Moose I think that the actual conversation itself between Death and Benny was well thought out. I really loved the ending statements Death posited to Benny, that it doesn't matter whether the apocalypse comes or not -- he gets it both ways anyhow. However, in a way I feel like the other Horsemen were more or less superfluous. I felt like you could have alluded to Benny having met them, but not actually including them in the story. They seemed more accessory to Death, who appears to be the main focus. I do think that your writing could be cleaned up grammar-wise, and that would add a lot of punch to your writing, seeing as you would have much more emphasis on what is important or meaningful to you as the writer. Overall, an interesting premise, but the execution could use some work.

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admittedly, i didn't spend much time with my entry, and I agree the execution could use some work. It started out with the intention of having a nephilim mock the four horsemen of the apocalypse, but when I got to death, i realized there was nothing that could be said against him.

Thanks for the pointers.

Longer reviews, this time arranged according to OP.

781 -- I wasn't engaged enough with the piece to give it anything more detailed. It's okay... that's about it. Really, it could be considered an excerpt to a far more interesting work, if the author so wished -- we have enough stories about serial killers nowadays. What makes your Ailbhe special?

824 -- This one reads more like a short version of a story, rather than a story in and of itself. The chief problem with this is the twist doesn't tie directly to the one character we've been focusing on throughout the text, Nisha -- it neither shows us a different aspect of her character, nor completely subverts expectations (Skellington is too closely related to the family for the twist to be absurd, at least in the context of a world populated by vampires). Thus, a few inconsistencies arise, born more out of lack of detail than retroactive continuations -- for example, why did Skellington hide in one the sketchiest places he could possibly find in the household, rather than, say, the probably empty guest room? This story would probably work told through a longer medium, rather than through flash fiction.

On a contextual level, though, it's brilliant, expecting everyone to be all grimdark, and breaking the general notion of the theme. That doesn't quite save the piece for me, though.

847 -- Interesting story that passes in a flash but lacks in polish. For example, the opening paragraph. First two sentences too wordy. "They suffered" a weak wording without purpose. Missing oxford comma. Two -ly adverbs in one sentence. "they had arrived", "they hadn't seen.

That said, what is lacked in polish is made up for in skill. The story's interesting particularly because of just how Lisa was forgot: those penultimate four sentences read as if even the author forgot Lisa existed, and the resulting incongruity highlighted the brilliance of the twist. I would say "lovely work", if not for the fact that it lacked so much polish -- perhaps if the author had more time.

958 -- I already gave a detailed enough (negative) review of this piece, so I'll turn my attention to a more positive note: for the most part, I immediately moved on to what the piece said, instead of to how it said it. Rather, to what it implicitly said, since such moral issues are rarely the focus of an author -- but now the question is, what did the author focus on? A Faustian fall, perhaps: in which case, rape wasn't necessary at all. The uncomfortable relationship of a certain mother and child: again, rape wasn't necessary. Or perhaps the rape itself was the focus: but then, why use such a violent point of view, and with little commentary on just how violent a point of view it is? Or perhaps it was overall a meta-comment on how rape is so often used as a device indicating violence, without any focus whatsoever on its real impact, but again, there are no indications of that. The fact that, bar a few unpolished moments, the piece demonstrated how easily flash fiction came to the author (and with a decidedly novelistic tone, too) is what makes me focus so much on all of this: skill in words necessitates responsibility. At least when Gothic authors fooled around with horror, they made the horror itself the center of attention, with the best of them presenting strong enough commentary whenever their victims got silenced.

901 -- The polish-problem here is less regarding the author as an editor, and more the author as a proofreader. Still problematic, but not so much that it deserves focus.

For this piece, I cared less about the narrative and more about the execution. The narrative was trite, with the specifics of the whole too abstract or played-out to have any meat in them. But the way by which the author dished them out, and in first person too, betrays certain sensibilities that, I feel, would yield more wonderful results using other plots, characters, and even kinds of prose. That said, this is another piece that shines in context: if Greenie's tale shines because of humor, this one shines because it's one of the few complete stories without a twist.

998 -- A total mess: unpolished, too broad for its own good, and it's not even a complete story. I also don't see how this relates to the event, other than following the general rules. In the context of the event, the author should go for something completely different, using a setting that requires very little explanation (yes, this is a roleplaying site, but you have to assume that not all people are gonna be familiar with the drow, especially when, as a roleplaying site, this features all the genres); in the context of the piece itself, I can't really criticize it without reading anything more (not that I would want to, since I don't want to close-read any novels at the moment).

543 -- Another mess. Considering his (her?) review, I'll structure this retread as a reply to @Doctor Jax

I don't think vagueness or ambiguity are problems in this case -- both are necessary aspects of good flash fiction, in my opinion, and either way obscurity is only problematic to those more democratic (which makes the fact that you understood the allusions that much more satisfying for me) -- so your central point is something I essentially disagree with. However, go back a few sentences, and you have the gist of my problem:


I think, in this particular case, I went for an allusion-heavy style because I knew my weaknesses as a prose writer, description and narration, problems that the overabundant style I adopted for this ultimately failed to obscure. Your suggested solution is something I thought of once this thread got up, but never quite knew how to define, and I'm thankful for receiving an author to refer to. Hopefully I get to revising this piece at some point.

Doctor Jax said:

@Ananfal The mystery here is somewhat compelling, but I find that it comes in far too late. I don't have time, really, to mull it over -- whatever it is that happens to be threatening the known universe. I love the descriptions of how this inhuman human talks, but I think that you could better add qualifiers/signifiers to your speakers so as to better get an idea of who is saying what. There were a few times I had to go back and reread because I couldn't remember who started when. While I'm somewhat curious about what this is all about, I find that I'm not given quite enough detail to completely enthrall me just yet. I think a few more worldbuilding, environmental storytelling clues would draw me in enough that I want to know what world this is, what the second speaker happens to be, and what sort of challenge the human and his alien companion are going to face.

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Thank you for your review! I think the brunt of your dissatisfaction with my piece comes from the fact that I tend to vacillate between two extremes: huge long works with enormous story and world building, or short pieces set in an already established world (thus needing little exposition). This was my first attempt at combining the two, and it appears that I have not done it well. :P

I'm glad that you enjoyed my descriptions, as they were definitely the part of my work that I was most proud of. I'll need to work on my world building - or rather, my expedient and concise world building.

RiverNotch said:

Longer reviews, this time arranged according to OP.

847 -- Interesting story that passes in a flash but lacks in polish. For example, the opening paragraph. First two sentences too wordy. "They suffered" a weak wording without purpose. Missing oxford comma. Two -ly adverbs in one sentence. "they had arrived", "they hadn't seen.

That said, what is lacked in polish is made up for in skill. The story's interesting particularly because of just how Lisa was forgot: those penultimate four sentences read as if even the author forgot Lisa existed, and the resulting incongruity highlighted the brilliance of the twist. I would say "lovely work", if not for the fact that it lacked so much polish -- perhaps if the author had more time.

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I think Polishing will forever be the bane of my existance. But I am thankful for the review nonetheless :)

The rougher they are, the more truth they hold in my opinion

Nim said:

The rougher they are, the more truth they hold in my opinion

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i'm reading harold bloom's 'the western canon' at the moment, and in a way he would agree with you -- often the rough pieces are a lot more sincere than the clean ones. that said, it's incredibly rare for a rough piece to be published, much less remembered, so do as you will. xP

RiverNotch said:

i'm reading harold bloom's 'the western canon' at the moment, and in a way he would agree with you -- often the rough pieces are a lot more sincere than the clean ones. that said, it's incredibly rare for a rough piece to be published, much less remembered, so do as you will. xP

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To be honest I think there are ways to be rough and blunt but still be polished, because being polished doesn't always mean to have flowery language. It's also structure, literary devices, etc.

Ananfal said:

To be honest I think there are ways to be rough and blunt but still be polished, because being polished doesn't always mean to have flowery language. It's also structure, literary devices, etc.

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by "rough" i meant unpolished (like a diamond freshly mined, which is an ugly, unassuming thing only those with the hands and eyes of a jeweler would buy), by "clean" i meant polished -- certainly Hemingway at his most violent was polished, however rough and blunt.
although an interesting note: Shakespeare wasn't. that said, Shakespeare was Shakespeare, and he didn't live in an age when language was as exacting as today.

RiverNotch said:

by "rough" i meant unpolished (like a diamond freshly mined, which is an ugly, unassuming thing only those with the hands and eyes of a jeweler would buy), by "clean" i meant polished -- certainly Hemingway at his most violent was polished, however rough and blunt.
although an interesting note: Shakespeare wasn't. that said, Shakespeare was Shakespeare, and he didn't live in an age when language was as exacting as today.

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True, true. Can't really argue with that. :P

Hemingway was certainly worth exploring in school. But as an independent adult (i.e., not a student), I didn't stock my personal library with his books. (Although, I did get the sense from reading his work that he was really lonely and emotionally isolated, and I felt sorry for him.)

On the other hand, I had to learn about and read Shakespeare on my own time--and I've always had a copy of his plays & sonnets in my home (except for now, due to circumstances beyond my control). And yet, he's not my favorite writer either, by a long shot. Though he certainly earned his place in history.

But I wouldn't judge and compare other writer's works to theirs.

It's like going to a fashion show and seeing innovative, cleverly crafted garments that everyone admires and praises for originality and genius -- but what do you wear when you go home? What do you really love? What speaks to you? What feels good to you? What lifts your spirits? What puts you in a certain mood?

My favorite (published) short story that I've read over and over was written by an author who I've never bought anything else written by them. (I did scout out their other work feverishly, but the angels never sang again).

When it comes to the written word, my loves range from comic books (some freaking terrific stuff) to ancient Greek poets (the rebellious, irreverent, comic, and bawdy ones) and much more. I had to move across the country this year and I had to give away hundreds of books (which was painful), that ranged from "respected" authors to the obscure.

Comparisons to a targeted few "literary giants" when reviewing stories don't really seem too relevant. (In my humble opinion.) Though it does sound intellectual. :-) And we all know who people are referring to. So there's commonality. You have that. But -

Styles of stories are so varied. I really don't want to read anyone that "writes like" Hemingway or Shakespeare. That's no fun! (My personal onion/opinion, of course.) I want to read stories that are written by people that follow their own inner unique voice. Even if they are not perfect.

Thank all of you for bringing your words to the table--I've read every one with pleasure.

Ravenfrost said:

Comparisons to a targeted few "literary giants" when reviewing stories don't really seem too relevant. (In my humble opinion.) Though it does sound intellectual. :-) And we all know who people are referring to. So there's commonality. You have that. But -

Styles of stories are so varied. I really don't want to read anyone that "writes like" Hemingway or Shakespeare. That's no fun! (My personal onion/opinion, of course.) I want to read stories that are written by people that follow their own inner unique voice. Even if they are not perfect.

Thank all of you for bringing your words to the table--I've read every one with pleasure.

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As much as I agree with your thoughts on certain literary Giants (excellent phrasing), I don't think that the reason some people refer back to these authors is to sound smart or intellectual. I think mostly it is to describe to others a feeling, a perception, an impression, that they received while reading this other work that they also get from reading the piece they are reviewing.

Just like any other metaphor, in my opinion. Of course, there are better and worse metaphors, but in and of itself, I don't see the harm in comparing writing as such. Perhaps if it goes too far, that's one thing. But the act itself has merit.

And thank you for the compliment. :)

No harm, certainly, @Ananfal - just my lil 'ol p.o.v. that such comparisons didn't seem relevant. Obviously, I've been more around people that put a premium on sounding intellectual when discussing art and literature in social settings and it has corrupted my personality. Or is that, corroded?!? (Whatever this green gunk is...)

I respect your opinion and will fight to the death (or, er, the first scratch of any significance) for your right to hold it.

Also, you're welcome!

Ravenfrost said:

Hemingway was certainly worth exploring in school. But as an independent adult (i.e., not a student), I didn't stock my personal library with his books. (Although, I did get the sense from reading his work that he was really lonely and emotionally isolated, and I felt sorry for him.)

On the other hand, I had to learn about and read Shakespeare on my own time--and I've always had a copy of his plays & sonnets in my home (except for now, due to circumstances beyond my control). And yet, he's not my favorite writer either, by a long shot. Though he certainly earned his place in history.

But I wouldn't judge and compare other writer's works to theirs.

It's like going to a fashion show and seeing innovative, cleverly crafted garments that everyone admires and praises for originality and genius -- but what do you wear when you go home? What do you really love? What speaks to you? What feels good to you? What lifts your spirits? What puts you in a certain mood?

My favorite (published) short story that I've read over and over was written by an author who I've never bought anything else written by them. (I did scout out their other work feverishly, but the angels never sang again).

When it comes to the written word, my loves range from comic books (some freaking terrific stuff) to ancient Greek poets (the rebellious, irreverent, comic, and bawdy ones) and much more. I had to move across the country this year and I had to give away hundreds of books (which was painful), that ranged from "respected" authors to the obscure.

Comparisons to a targeted few "literary giants" when reviewing stories don't really seem too relevant. (In my humble opinion.) Though it does sound intellectual. :-) And we all know who people are referring to. So there's commonality. You have that. But -

Styles of stories are so varied. I really don't want to read anyone that "writes like" Hemingway or Shakespeare. That's no fun! (My personal onion/opinion, of course.) I want to read stories that are written by people that follow their own inner unique voice. Even if they are not perfect.

Thank all of you for bringing your words to the table--I've read every one with pleasure.

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It's not to sound smarter -- it simply is. And not in the sense that it makes the critic seem more well-read, but more people are likely to understand how Shakespeare or Hemingway work, rather than, say, Meredith Gran, Louise Gluck, or Lucy Maud Montgomery. The critic saying "I like this because it speaks to me" is too vague to be useful, while the critic constantly referring to things outside of literature, like feminism or morality, is missing the point. Even in fashion, when a critic discusses the works not just in terms of whether or not they liked the pieces, but whether or not the pieces could be improved, whether or not the pieces could be sold, whether or not new directions could come from the piece, they inevitably use the language of fashion, both in technical terms and in terms of what's been done before (ie styles, some of which are so specifically someone's they've been named after specific people). And speaking as a student in the vocation which I am more earnestly pursuing, life is painfully varied, too: doesn't stop us from trying to classify it! In fact, I would argue that systematics, or in art's case criticism, is half the fun, otherwise the conversation turns into a monologue -- and what is any (published) written work if not a conversation?

We refer to giants because they're giants, not in the sense that they're these humongous monsters who shaped our world, but because they are our world: they're our mountains, they're our oceans, they're the atmosphere (or at least their works are, but that's a discussion for another time). Without Tolkien's orcs and elves or DC's Superman and Batman, entire genres wouldn't exist; without the novels of Cervantes or the poetry of Wordsworth, entire forms; and without Shakespeare's works, entire words. We don't even have to judge works in comparison to others': implicitly, by understanding that a sentence alludes to a different story, or that a statement is cliche, or that a certain metaphor works, in other words by the very act of reading, we already are. And, as a critic, I'm just using that to my best advantage.

That said, I don't claim to be a definite authority on anything. I'm treating this more as a workshop than as a deeper-level critical thread, in part because that's how I learned to critique, but mainly because I'm not as well read as I look. There's a reason why the only established authors I've so far referred to in my earlier critiques are Hemingway and Shakespeare -- still, that doesn't stop me from speaking, especially since I feel like I'm actually adding something new to the table. Or if not that, then because I'm free to do so: as far as I know, I'm not breaking any rules (nor any hearts, I'd like to think), and like I said, criticism is half the fun!