But now I'm insecure, and I care what people think

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After many years of bullying, self-hatred and self-harm I reached that numb sensation of not caring any more, what people think of me. I have bigger issues than that and while I might not be insecure about them I am bitter.

While it helps some people, I greatly dislike those motivational words and posters. We all know them. The higher-class, good-looking able bodied and able minded rich people who never had to worry about a thing in their lives telling you about how life gets better and 'the only disability in life is yourself'.

Life doesn't just get better. No fairy godmother is going to reach down and make my life a fairy tale. While it might not be the best metaphor, but it has taught me allot. I was born with a denigrative muscle disease, which comes with pain and less and less strength in my legs. As much as it sucks it is the simple truth of life and even if I will one day end up in that wheelchair it isn'ttoday!
 
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Insecurities R Us.

I have more than a few, that's for sure. The main ones however are the following.

1. Being seen as ignorant and uneducated, therefore stupid. I never finished highschool, and that's always made me think less of myself, especially around my siblings. So much so that even online, I'd never told anyone about this until this year.

2. Being unwanted, only tolerated, and replaceable. This is even worse than the above. I've literally hidden myself and cried about this, even ranted about this on Iwaku before. I tend to be friendly to most people, but after a while I feel as if I'm an annoyance that's only being tolerated. That I'm only needed until something more fun, or a better replacement, comes along.There are quite a few friends who stopped messaging me, only cementing this insecurity.

3. Body image. I've always struggled, and hormonal imbalance only caused things to get worse. Despite what people say, I don't reallt think I look nice.

4. My religion. Truth be told, I had only told a single person on this site that I was a Muslim, mainly because I was scared of what people would think of me and how they'd judge me based on hearsay rather than, well, me.

It's not too bad anymore though, mostly because of the internet and being able to make friends with people who don't judge me based on things like looks etc.
 
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My mental health.

To be honest, society doesn't value mental health in the same we view physical health or physical disabilities. All my problems, limitations, all my problems are all inside my head. How can I express to someone I experience hallucinations of sound, and voices when I am stressed out.

How am I suppose to make my mental health issues and mental disability stand out, without sounding like an excuse. Without sounding like I want special treatment.

So many people disembowel mental disabilities as excuses. I have to apologize at every time and feel like I have to explain myself all the time. I have to shield myself from not sounding like I am making an excuse.

While I am not saying those with physical disabilities have it easier. It makes conversations sound a lot better, example. I have a friend who was in a pretty bad car accident that left them paralyzed, and they have nerve pain. You ask them to go out, and they say, "Today is a bad pain day" Most people will nod, say okay. And shrug it off.

But if you have clinical depression. Not the fun I am super blue, but actual clinical depression, that you have been diagnosed with since you were 9. And you're asked out.

You can't say, "sorry depressed not in the mood"

because most people will dismiss it. Tell you going out will be good for you. Without recognizing I am depressed and anxious. And my depression and anxiety are coexisting conditions that live beside my psychosis. And the more stressed and overwhelmed I am, the worse my mental state is.

People.....just....don't get it.

And I'm always worried I come off like I am making too many excuses. I have to pad it. Have to make it sound nice,

"I'm not trying to get sympathy only trying to explain so we can communicate better" <----a long winded sentence I have learned to start off the conversation about my mental health

You know the irony is that I've gotten two You Need a Hug Ratings after this initial post. And it's exactly that kind of mentality that kind of rubs my edges.
 
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The continued ability to keep feeling emotion, care about my well-being and maintain self control.

I'm not sure if that counts as insecurity or fear, but I'm trying something new.
 
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Hello. HI. My name is social phobia, fear of conflict, social anxiety. If someone doesn't talk to me after I try and engage them, I grow increasingly agitated and insecure. I cannot face people down irl when they do me wrong, becouse I am afraid about being outcast, about being treated.The second I try to engage someone new in conversation, a million thoughts about what goes wrong makes me freeze up. I do not look people in the eye, i do not engage people in conversation.
 
Childish, socially inept, and constantly worrying I'm not kind enough or easy enough to open up to.
 
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I am always worried about how I look. I always want to appear decent. But then I worry about if my version of decent isn't good enough for other people.

I always worry about being too harsh or mean. I don't like making people I care about upset, and it crushes me when I do.

I honestly worry about a lot of things, but those are my top two.
 
maintain self control
This is something I 100% struggle with. I feel like I'll never have self-control over some things. I also fear that once I get control I will just lose it again.

If someone doesn't talk to me after I try and engage them, I grow increasingly agitated and insecure.
This impacts me a lot online. It is hard to read people sometimes. So, when I feel like my attempts are failed, I slink away. Then I feel really insecure, wondering if something is wrong with me, if what I had to say just wasn't interesting enough, if people just don't like me.

worrying I'm not kind enough or easy enough to open up to.
This is something I can definitely relate to. I've been asking a lot of people lately how I come across. I want to welcoming, kind. I want people to feel comfortable to come talk to me.

But then I worry about if my version of decent isn't good enough for other people.
I do the same thing. I'll try to mimic something someone does, but I always feel like it turns out wrong. Or, if I think I finally have something good. I'll go out and be extremely self-conscious thinking maybe it doesn't actually look as good as I think it is and people will think I'm foolish for trying.
 
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